The Little Things

I love the sound of the wind blowing through the leaves just as they are about to fall to the ground.

I love the way a poem can make my feelings fly with eagles, even when I don't understand everything it implies.

I love hot tea and a copy of the Norton Anthology of Poetry on a cold day.

A thing of beauty is a joy for ever:
Its lovliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.


~John Keats

When Nothing Else Matters

Have you ever had one of those days that you feel so stressed and so overwhelmed that you are suffocating under the pressure. You feel like someone is literally holding your head under the water and you simply cannot breath. There is no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel--the tunnel goes on forever. In my experience, there is no imaginable pain that the body can feel that outweighs the pain of a mental assault. You pray over and over for God to take it way...or for Him to take you away.

I have been there many times over the past several months and, unfortunately, I still get to that point from time to time. However, I don't stay in that place as long as I once did. There was a time when I would stay in this dark and frightening world for days at a time; only sleep would give me a short escape--a time to catch my breath. Every time I entered into this darkness, I would ask God over and over: why are you letting we go through this? Why wont You just take away the struggle and the torment?

I still do not fully understand the answer to those questions; however, I am at a place now where I can pray away the bad feelings and thoughts. How have I done this? Well, I have not done anything. God has given me the grace that I need to get through a time in my life that is not meant to be easy--a time in my life when God is using the mental turmoil that I am facing to show me that He is the only one who can calm the storm in me. How can we truly know the power of God unless we feel it in our own lives? How can I tell someone who is going through a hard time that God is with them when I have not felt His presence in my hard times?

How did I reach this point? The darkness grew darker, the storm grew stronger, and there was no breath left in my lungs. I didn't even want to go on living my tortured existence. So I gave up. I got to the point where nothing else mattered but God. I just said, "God, I surrender. You win". That day, I felt that I was finally at peace, that I had died. And I felt that I was more awake to the presence of God. It is the single most invigorating sensation to be at peace in the presence of God. It felt exactly like George MacDonald's poem:

Thy fishes breathe but where thy waters roll;

Thy birds fly but within thy airy sea;

My soul breathes only in thy infinite soul;

I breathe, I think, I love, I live but thee.

Oh, breath, oh, sink--O Love, live into me.

Days Four and Five

Day four is a haze. The first place we went was the Bronx to help with the Relief Bus. Each of us did several different things throughout the day. We talked to people, prayed with people and handed out soup and bread. Again, it was fascinating just to hear the stories of the different people that came through. After we left the Relief Bus, we all went to minister to children at a shelter. These children were so very sweet and they had such a good time as we all made paper airplanes and talked.

That night, we all went to the Brooklyn Tabernacle for a prayer meeting. Can I just say that it was absolutely amazing (I say that a lot, don't I?)! The worship was powerful as was the prayer near the end. After that, we went to Junior's for some powerful cheesecake!

The day after, we had free time to see the city. I went with the group going to China Town and Little Italy. We had a great time shopping (haggling) and eating Italian food. Then came the long drive home. It was the experience of a lifetime, not just because of the things we did, but because of the brothers and sisters I met. It was amazing seeing what God can do through people when they surrender to His will.

Day Three; or, It's Only Been Two Days?!

The day started with me waking up at 5:30 AM for kitchen ministry. I don't know why, but I thought someone had woken me up, so I got up, got dressed, and was ready to go down stairs when I looked at my cell and realized I did not have to be down for another hour. So I went back to bed and was woken again at a quarter after six by a fellow team member. Unfortunately, I went back to sleep again and was ten minutes late for work. I was devastated and felt terrible, but I moved on with the rest of the day, a day full of surprises.

The first thing we did after breakfast was get in the van to go to cerebral palsy outreach; or so we thought. Where we ended up was a community garden. Why were we there? To sift through fertilizer, of course! It was actually a lot of fun. I had a great time doing this because it reminded me of when I used to clean stalls for our horses.

When we went back to NYSUM, some us took a nap (myself included). Next we started planning our service for the Bowery Mission Chapel. I, for one, did not know that we would be leading a service, so I was somewhat nervous. But, as was the case with absolutely every activity we undertook, my nerves were put at ease as soon as we got there and after seeing my fully competent teammates in action. The service went relatively smoothly for something that had been planned an hour before.

One of the main things that struck me about this day was that it seemed to me that I had known each of my teammates for weeks. I was amazed how close we had all become. I also became aware that the time passed by rather slowly. I even referred to something we had done only that morning as what we had done "yesterday"! It really seemed to me that we had been there for a week already!

Day Two; Or, Bright Lights

Today we saw the city. It was my first time walking the streets of New York and I was really looking forward to it. The purpose of the walk was to pray for the city. We teamed up and started walking the Brooklyn Bridge two by two. When we got to the midpoint of the bridge, the group came together and we prayed that God would brake the chains of the people in New York; we prayed especially for those women that are victims of the sex trade in the city.

To me, this prayer walk was significant because of the fact that, for the past several months, I had been thinking a lot about international sex trafficking and what I should do to fight it. I had been debating going to law school for the purpose of helping bring justice to those who buy and sell human beings for the purpose of sexual exploitation. This experience was a kind of confirmation for me.

Another reason this prayer walk was significant was the fact that Dr. Lyons had been teaching from Psalms 107 that very morning and the following words struck me: "He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and broke their chains in pieces" (Psalms 107:14 New King James Version). Those words became my prayer for the city, and this prayer was echoed by other members of the team as well.

In addition to the prayer walk and the visit to ground zero, we did what every person should do when they go to New York City: New York Pizza, baby! And boy was that stuff good! Oh, and I forgot to mention in the last post that the night before, after we reached out to the homeless, we went to a street vendor for kabobs. They were the best kabobs I have ever tasted, and that is no exaggeration!

That day we also went to the launch of Hillsong NYC! It was off the chain! First we waited in line for a while--the line was really long. But we got into the second service (the second of three, that is). The music was very loud, but after a while I got used to it. Even though I did not know the words to most of the songs, they were really easy to pick up. All in all, it was a great experience and I would not mind going back to that church if I were ever back in NYC. Did I mention that the lights were REALLY bright.

Those were not the only bright lights that we would see that night. After we left Hillsong NYC, we went out to Times Square. A lot of what we did is a blur to me right now, but I do remember going to a four (or was it five?) floor Forever 21. That was kinda interesting. Can I just say that I am so glad I did not bring my debit card for this one. I don't exactly remember, but I think we went back to NYSUM after that. That was a great day!

Day One; Or, The Journey Begins

I don’t know what my expectations were going into this mission trip; all I know is that I was in a place in my spiritual life that I did not like. I felt isolated and secluded, not to mention the fact that I was in a time of spiritual starvation. I needed a way out right now. As I was praying one night, I went on the Regent campus ministries web page to look for devotionals and for some way to connect with other Christians at Regent; I knew that there had to be something there.

Then I saw it: Fall Break Mission Trip. I knew immediately that I was supposed to go, so as soon as I found out that there were some spots left, I signed up. But as the time approached, I realized that I had finals and finishing touches for three classes that I would have to complete in four days. To make a long story short, I was very close to dropping out. But I will thank God every day that he gave me the strength to press through and go on the trip.

Let me just say that I had never been on campus before last week, so I did not know where everything was. My mother and I drove past the parking lot because we were expecting to see a lot of vans where I was supposed to be; but as it turned out, only two vans were going. So we drove back to the parking lot and I jumped out and asked the small group something like, “Are y’all leaving for the mission trip?”. Little did I know that this small group was going to be full of some of the best people I have ever met—but more on that later.

We started out around 9:00 AM; I was in the very back of Dr. Kidd’s van sitting next to a woman named Crystal. After some time driving, we had a conversation about things that I haven’t talk to anybody about in a long time. It felt amazing—and foreign—to be able to open up to a person that I had only known for the past thirty minutes. And that was only a taste of the friendships that would develop over those five short—or rather long—days.

When we reached our destination, we went straight in to unpack and get ready for orientation. First item on the agenda: reaching out to the homeless. I cannot fully describe in words what happened on Saturday night. (Did I mention that I have never been on a mission trip before?). Our team was charged with the task of passing out items such as blankets, toiletries, sandwiches, and prayer. I wish I could write about everyone we talked to that night, but alas, this post is already too long.

One man that three of us talked to was a Vietnam vet with PTSD. It was definitely a learning experience to listen to him speak. At first he did not want prayer, but after the three of us listen to him for about twenty minutes, he said that since we listened to him, he would listen to us. That night, I learned that missions are not all about giving people material things and preaching at them; it is about forming relationships and listening to people the way we want people to listen to us.

And…

“The Father Is Glori-fied!”

I'm Back!

Wow! That is the best word I can find to describe the past five days. I met so many amazing people and do so many amazing things that there is no way that I can write it all in one blog post. So here's the deal: I will recount one day of the trip every day (or every other day) for the next week. So be watching!

Oh. Yes I did survive finals! Not through my own power, but through God's.